Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
