trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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