She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Randomize
