WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Someone signed my nipple.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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