Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
