4 words: hood of his car
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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