wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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