i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
