I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
