Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
