last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
