when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
