just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
