I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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