He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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