i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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