The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
