I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
