I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
how drunk are you?
Several
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
