Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
