Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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