Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize