I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
