I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
