I just saw a hot homeless man
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
