Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
