he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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