mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
