I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
