I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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