nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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