As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize