just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
