There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
