Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i was born a porn star she said
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
