I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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