i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize