I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
