as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
