This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
