True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
