Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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