He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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