omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
