Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
