it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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