My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
