im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
