Just fell off a train. Bad.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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