I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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