For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
