Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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