don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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