Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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