Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
