So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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