Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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