I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's shark week go big or go home
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
