I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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