Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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