peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
