Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
